torn

The sad voice asked me to sing for him. I was never the one to resist, but I have made my decision to stay mute. I politely declined, and can only wish that I can be with him in his loneliness.

I can only wish I can share the pain. To ease the burden.

But I shouldn’t be playing that part anymore. I can never be more than a friend.

Indeed I have stayed strong in this pull of emotions. I remembered the other face across the horizon. I held the voice speaking clearly to me. Such clarity, but with so much misery. I thought of the eyes misted with tears, and those at the other end of the spectrum, watching me so closely… waiting for my next move.

I let go… subtly, yet unyielding.


I turned and walked away...

muted silence

How ironic to be apathetic towards a person who think the world of you.
How sardonic to have shown little care when the person would give everything to you.
How unfair to have been thinking of another, when he’s got his eyes only for you.


To give so little, yet to receive so much.
To expect nothing, yet to be given everything.
To be so far, yet to be held close to his heart.


Pardon my shortcomings.
Excuse my behavior.
Forgive my indifference.

a simple truth

recently went to our province. sweet odiongan. heard of it? should be the heart of romblon, which is also the heart of the philippines. cool, huh?

after an hour or so of travel along the crazy and still under construction SLEX, then going through the winding roads of calabarzon, we finally arrived at batangas port. it's nice how you can reach batangas city in less than an hour, and not go through the traffic of the nearby towns. we're all aboard the boat, not that pretty, just the usual ro-ro that will forever be the reliable means of transportation for us odionganons.

arriving at the port of poctoy (funny name, huh?) a little past 2, our ever reliable uncle mulo was there waiting for us. a short 15-minute ride going home in the early morning breeze brought back childhood memories of our town and of summer vacations. a smile crept on to my face. home sweet home.

waking up to the smell of freshly baked pandesal, barking of dogs, endless chirping of birds, and my mom and aunt's constantly loud voices, i can't help but wonder how i can resist coming back for so long. it's almost been 2 years. wow.

it was a short 2-day vacation trip, one highlighted by a funny incident of going through the rain using a plastic "palanggana" as an umbrella, greeting my cousin and laughing throughout all the ordeal. good food, nice and caring people. new places visited, country bars and san mig lights. frustration to sing videoke, ended up watching country folks taking a stab at having a disco. looks like a scene straight out of a cabaret, but still a fond memory to remember the vacation by. hanging out by the terrace, sharing stories with dear cousins.

reminiscing. a stroll along the beach. people i've met, now a distant memory. family. cousins. friends. all away from our town, but all still keeping odiongan in their hearts and minds.

this is the simple life.

exes can be friends

i wished for his happiness then...

breaking up is a hard thing to do. a tedious process to go through. a difficult thing to overcome.

it was how i felt then when i decided to ask for space. weird as it is, i needed to grow on my own. i guess, i had to re-assess my self, my capabilities, my needs and my wants.

a lot of things have happened since then. though a lot of tears have been shed, a lot of smiles also came along the way.

i hoped that we can still be friends.

yes, it was hard at first. the yearning to be more than a friend, to give more than what is expected, to love more than i should. but if the only way to show him the love i still have is by being a friend, then let it be. bite my ego and swallow my pride.

we have gone our separate ways and have found ourselves along the way.

it has been years since then, and things have come full circle.we have long since settled in a comfortable friendship. how we can both share our thoughts and opinion to each other is what matters most now.

i got what i have hoped for.

more than anything else, i got my wish... and more...

i have found the happiness of being a friend to him...

take it from here

If you have been given the chance to change a particular moment in your life, which time (or times) would you rather change? go back and re-do everything once again... re-live the moment, only at a different situation? with different characters? or just reel it all in, destroy the memory and be reformatted to have a new clean slate?


These are my confessions.


Take back all the lies i have said, be it to hide the confused feelings i have, or otherwise.


Take back the time i rested my head on your shoulder, hooked my arm with yours, and held your hand like it's the only saving grace i have left.


Take back the time i lost myself and found my consciousness with you. only to find that you still want a lot of things, me not included.


Take back the couple of times i mistook "going out with you" as "me liking you".


Take back the night you said that you're in love. only to find out that its not me you're in love with.


Take back the time we met. and the situation and place where we met.


Take back all the hurt i felt when you finally decided to let me go. and the time i did finally let you go.


Take back the time i swallowed my pride and allowed you to be the master of our undefined relationship.


Take back the time i said good bye.


Take back the time i felt confused, thinking that there are a lot of things left to be discovered alone.


Take back the time i said yes as a result of a panicked and almost desperate need to have somebody to call my own.


Take back the moment i even considered the thought of trying out somebody else's feelings, see if it would fit, just like i was trying on a new pair of shoes.


Take back the time he hugged me one last time, and i was left speechless, but inside, screaming, "you are my first love, my best friend."


Take back the time i hooked up with my best friend's boyfriend. make it her "ex".


Take back the time we became fast friends.


Take back the time i hurt his feelings by saying that he is not the guy i want.


Take back the time i agreed to meet up with him, falling instantly, losing myself yet again.



Take it all back. Leave me with nothing. I am willing to let go of it all.
(from a confused mind of a girl constantly on the outside, always looking in...)