disarray

she was looking for her own misery.

she was opening herself to another heartache.

stabbing at old wounds and reminiscing forgotten memories.

how can she take one step away, and still find herself coming back to him... pulling herself away from the current, but still taken by the tidal wave of emotions.

the look. the voice. the wholeness of him.

the passion. the love. the commitment they had... all part of the past but is slowly creeping to the present.

is it real? is it true? should it be? can it be?

only the truth will prevail. only the honest can be forgiven. only the love can sustain...

disorientation and my cup of coffee

I do have a lot of things in mind that I really want to say right now. I just don’t know where to start.


I want to magically sift my thoughts onto this space. Let it unfold and reveal its own mystery to me. Let me know what I really think and feel. Let me know what I really want.


This is what’s difficult in speaking your mind. The thoughts you try to ignore and push in the smallest, farthest corner of your mind are validated. And it is daunting, even to a person who tries to be strong and not be a prisoner of her own self.


And is that what really bothers me the most? Is it really my thoughts that agitate me? I know I’m not making sense here. I’m not making sense even to myself.


It occurred to me that I still have the same mind-set over some things. Trite from some frustrations, weary from most feelings. And that I still don’t know what I want. Nor do I want to think about it.


And in a minute part, there are still the many what ifs. The tons of shoulda, woulda, coulda’s. Questions left unasked, answers that should have never been said.



There is still that chaos that pulls my whole sanity and grinds it to dust-like madness blown all over the place.


There is still that one part of me that I have yet to really let go.


And another part that I still has to resolve.


And in between those two, to know what I really want. Want, because it is what I love and choose…


…not because it is what I need.


How else am I going to learn? When am I going to face the facts and deal with the situation?


When should I stop? When is it enough?


What are the choices? Should I be really making a decision in the first place?


Should I follow what I think is right? Or should I be dictated by what my heart is telling me?


What am I really thinking??? And what the fuck do I really feel?


Questions. Questions? Questions!!!


When and how will the answers come?

Post-script. Thank you. For listening. For understanding. For being there.

this i promise you

i used to think this is sooo mushy.

even “jologs” to a point.

but I’m singing it now. birit. gawd.

reminiscing those days again.

and having new memories related to this song too...

having lunch at a fastfood somewhere in the red light district area. talking ‘bout boring (and boggling) work stuff. coaxing A to spill the beans ‘bout her internal conflict. hearing the boys sing “and I will take you in my arms… and hold you right where you belong…”

and now when i hear this song, i will remember being with them. being nostalgic to a point (this is a love song, after all)… and also happy to be in the company of these girls.

it’s nice to release… to sing… to almost pour out your heart and soul…

to be with friends.

angst

it was as if i have been slapped real hard on the face. the words ringing in my ears have been deafening. i wish that i can hurl the same hurtful words at him.

i wanted to shout. i wanted to hurt him.

i can't.

i cried.

and it was the same thing all over again. i tried hard to be strong and not to be swayed. not to be the first to give in. i wanted him to realize how much he's hurt me. i wanted to let him know. i wanted to tell him.

i have never felt so deceived. just when i thought things are ok between us.

i have given enough effort.

you cannot simply ignore that. you have to realize. you have to see...