heartaches

i wanted to know how he's doing. where is he right now, what he's doing. but i still haven't heard from him. where is he? what is he up to? i miss him...

he was hurt when i sort of called him merely an acquaintance. he is far from being one. i'm sorry...

he already changed his profile. status: single. can't blame him though. he should be very well on his way to moving on. i have to let go...

a friend cheering for me and his friend. i told him we can never be together, not at this time. he promised to pay for the expenses the day we get married and promised to be the godfather of all our kids. freak. touching freak.

and the voice that i've been waiting to hear. the only anchor right now in this sea raging in the storm. the only satisfaction to my yearning. the one who never failed to make me laugh and smile and feel good inside. the only sweet confusion i'm willing to endure... and i feel whole again...

lamentation

Inject me with a dose of reality
For I am in this oblivion devoid of any sanity
Give me a shot of sensitivity
No need for me to feel this numb to infinity

I have done what I thought would be the best
Then why do I still feel like I am the one in jest
I thought the best would be to let go
But now I think the loss hurts even more so

What have I done, what will I do?
Should I listen to myself, or choose you?
Will I let my heart rule, or my mind overpower?
Have both been playing tricks on me, I wonder

For I will never know what to really feel
Happy or sad, all seem to be surreal
Put a stop to all these thoughts of you
It also hurts, and that part is true

I have made a mistake and there’s a price to pay
I can’t pretend, I can’t stay
But I can’t let go that easily
A part of me still belongs to you wholeheartedly

I can’t force you to; you might not believe
You will not pretend, you might not take heed
But know that in my heart I have truly loved you
And I’m sorry for causing you all this sorrow…

case no. 2. out in the open

the cards were laid.

words were spoken, feelings revealed.

everything were all too clear.

and another chapter has closed.


is this the end of an unforgotten past, and the start of all things anew?


or is this the start of another insanity...the end of avoiding dishonesty?

and he said...

at the end of the day, i'd rather have something than not have anything at all...

unspoken message

i said: "you weren't supposed to mean this much to me... but you do."

you said: "i know... and i wasn't supposed to fall in love with you... but i did."

breaking barriers

there was confusion in the tranquility of the night
only our hearts beating and the ticking of the clock can be heard
you held my hand and drew closer
i should've pushed you away... it was the only move i should do...
but i held your hand instead, i could not let go...
it was another mistake, but i couldn't stop...
and we're both falling... and it's wrong...
so dangerous, but so full of passion...
it was like playing with fire, yet it felt so nice...

there was chaos in the stillness...
it was another turbulent night...

081101

ommission

take the madness. take the passion. take the impulse. take me wholely.

hold my hand, kiss my lips. touch my skin, yearning insanely for you.

whisper the words, call out my name. music to my ears, deceit in every beat.

time has stopped. left with nothing.

the dawn is breaking, coffee is brewing. crumbs left on the table, beside the marks of your hand.

walk me to the path less taken. show me the way.

crazy madness. bound to hurt you.

look into my eyes, see the tears. hear me shouting, seeking forgiveness.

make me stop. take it all, leave out all the rest.

lips of an angel

It’s kinda hard to talk right now.
I gotta whisper cause I can’t be too loud.
Well, my girl’s in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on
It’s really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words make me weak
And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

-- lips of an angel


It was a mistake, I know.

A mistake that I will never forget.

A mistake I do not regret, though…

Do not regret now… but what about in the future, when it is already too late?
(footnote from the girl who's riding the wrong bus)

honesty

it's funny how life, liking, and love works, and behaves.

he loves me, i know i love him.

but "i know" is different from i feel.

i used to love him... he still likes me... as a friend, i guess.

i should be happy, but i think i wanted more.

because maybe... just maybe, i still love him.

now, that is also different from knowing i love the other him.

we used to love each other, but i don't think i ever really loved him.

he still likes me, even if he's in love with somebody else.

he's a friend, and he said he likes me.

maybe, he's even falling in love already.

this is weird, because no matter how i try not to think about him, about all these, his face and his name always comes up. no matter how hard i try to push it away, it always comes back to this...

... it's always been him.


maybe not wholly... but in some parts... some major parts... some major parts i just can't ignore.

and i know everything's a bitch... and that everything will catch up with me some time in the future...

but i can't worry too much about what is still unseen.

for now, i'm worried with this honesty.

i'm worried about what it will do to me...


* from the same girl who always found herself at square one everytime she felt like she's already moved on...

i miss us...

i was looking through some old pics, and i came across this...

i can't spend as much time with them now as i would like to. different geography, different schedules, different lifestyles. rarely do we get to hang out, catch up, and have fun. i miss these girls, and i miss bonding with them.

its been more than 14 years now, and i still don't believe in what Mo said, that you rarely get to keep friendships from highschool. you will eventually lose in touch with the people you considered your best friends in highschool, and friendships from way back just wont sustain. i disagree with him, and i wanted to prove him wrong.

this is as good as it gets. this is the real thing. we have known each other more than our lives now, and though we don't see each other as much as we used to, i know in our hearts that the caring, and the love didn't grow any less over the years. with age, comes the knowledge and understanding that we don't need to constantly keep in touch to know that anytime one would need the other, no time zone nor location can be that wide a hindrance just to give comfort. with age, comes the maturity to know that labels such as "best friends" are just but labels. the real friendship is what's inside, it may be unspoken, but it is felt.

i am positive that we are going to spend more years together. we will always be there for each other come what may. wherever life will take us, i know that we will always go back home to each other...

here's to the kyutties who knew me then, now, and for always...

disarray

she was looking for her own misery.

she was opening herself to another heartache.

stabbing at old wounds and reminiscing forgotten memories.

how can she take one step away, and still find herself coming back to him... pulling herself away from the current, but still taken by the tidal wave of emotions.

the look. the voice. the wholeness of him.

the passion. the love. the commitment they had... all part of the past but is slowly creeping to the present.

is it real? is it true? should it be? can it be?

only the truth will prevail. only the honest can be forgiven. only the love can sustain...

disorientation and my cup of coffee

I do have a lot of things in mind that I really want to say right now. I just don’t know where to start.


I want to magically sift my thoughts onto this space. Let it unfold and reveal its own mystery to me. Let me know what I really think and feel. Let me know what I really want.


This is what’s difficult in speaking your mind. The thoughts you try to ignore and push in the smallest, farthest corner of your mind are validated. And it is daunting, even to a person who tries to be strong and not be a prisoner of her own self.


And is that what really bothers me the most? Is it really my thoughts that agitate me? I know I’m not making sense here. I’m not making sense even to myself.


It occurred to me that I still have the same mind-set over some things. Trite from some frustrations, weary from most feelings. And that I still don’t know what I want. Nor do I want to think about it.


And in a minute part, there are still the many what ifs. The tons of shoulda, woulda, coulda’s. Questions left unasked, answers that should have never been said.



There is still that chaos that pulls my whole sanity and grinds it to dust-like madness blown all over the place.


There is still that one part of me that I have yet to really let go.


And another part that I still has to resolve.


And in between those two, to know what I really want. Want, because it is what I love and choose…


…not because it is what I need.


How else am I going to learn? When am I going to face the facts and deal with the situation?


When should I stop? When is it enough?


What are the choices? Should I be really making a decision in the first place?


Should I follow what I think is right? Or should I be dictated by what my heart is telling me?


What am I really thinking??? And what the fuck do I really feel?


Questions. Questions? Questions!!!


When and how will the answers come?

Post-script. Thank you. For listening. For understanding. For being there.

this i promise you

i used to think this is sooo mushy.

even “jologs” to a point.

but I’m singing it now. birit. gawd.

reminiscing those days again.

and having new memories related to this song too...

having lunch at a fastfood somewhere in the red light district area. talking ‘bout boring (and boggling) work stuff. coaxing A to spill the beans ‘bout her internal conflict. hearing the boys sing “and I will take you in my arms… and hold you right where you belong…”

and now when i hear this song, i will remember being with them. being nostalgic to a point (this is a love song, after all)… and also happy to be in the company of these girls.

it’s nice to release… to sing… to almost pour out your heart and soul…

to be with friends.

angst

it was as if i have been slapped real hard on the face. the words ringing in my ears have been deafening. i wish that i can hurl the same hurtful words at him.

i wanted to shout. i wanted to hurt him.

i can't.

i cried.

and it was the same thing all over again. i tried hard to be strong and not to be swayed. not to be the first to give in. i wanted him to realize how much he's hurt me. i wanted to let him know. i wanted to tell him.

i have never felt so deceived. just when i thought things are ok between us.

i have given enough effort.

you cannot simply ignore that. you have to realize. you have to see...

torn

The sad voice asked me to sing for him. I was never the one to resist, but I have made my decision to stay mute. I politely declined, and can only wish that I can be with him in his loneliness.

I can only wish I can share the pain. To ease the burden.

But I shouldn’t be playing that part anymore. I can never be more than a friend.

Indeed I have stayed strong in this pull of emotions. I remembered the other face across the horizon. I held the voice speaking clearly to me. Such clarity, but with so much misery. I thought of the eyes misted with tears, and those at the other end of the spectrum, watching me so closely… waiting for my next move.

I let go… subtly, yet unyielding.


I turned and walked away...

muted silence

How ironic to be apathetic towards a person who think the world of you.
How sardonic to have shown little care when the person would give everything to you.
How unfair to have been thinking of another, when he’s got his eyes only for you.


To give so little, yet to receive so much.
To expect nothing, yet to be given everything.
To be so far, yet to be held close to his heart.


Pardon my shortcomings.
Excuse my behavior.
Forgive my indifference.

a simple truth

recently went to our province. sweet odiongan. heard of it? should be the heart of romblon, which is also the heart of the philippines. cool, huh?

after an hour or so of travel along the crazy and still under construction SLEX, then going through the winding roads of calabarzon, we finally arrived at batangas port. it's nice how you can reach batangas city in less than an hour, and not go through the traffic of the nearby towns. we're all aboard the boat, not that pretty, just the usual ro-ro that will forever be the reliable means of transportation for us odionganons.

arriving at the port of poctoy (funny name, huh?) a little past 2, our ever reliable uncle mulo was there waiting for us. a short 15-minute ride going home in the early morning breeze brought back childhood memories of our town and of summer vacations. a smile crept on to my face. home sweet home.

waking up to the smell of freshly baked pandesal, barking of dogs, endless chirping of birds, and my mom and aunt's constantly loud voices, i can't help but wonder how i can resist coming back for so long. it's almost been 2 years. wow.

it was a short 2-day vacation trip, one highlighted by a funny incident of going through the rain using a plastic "palanggana" as an umbrella, greeting my cousin and laughing throughout all the ordeal. good food, nice and caring people. new places visited, country bars and san mig lights. frustration to sing videoke, ended up watching country folks taking a stab at having a disco. looks like a scene straight out of a cabaret, but still a fond memory to remember the vacation by. hanging out by the terrace, sharing stories with dear cousins.

reminiscing. a stroll along the beach. people i've met, now a distant memory. family. cousins. friends. all away from our town, but all still keeping odiongan in their hearts and minds.

this is the simple life.

exes can be friends

i wished for his happiness then...

breaking up is a hard thing to do. a tedious process to go through. a difficult thing to overcome.

it was how i felt then when i decided to ask for space. weird as it is, i needed to grow on my own. i guess, i had to re-assess my self, my capabilities, my needs and my wants.

a lot of things have happened since then. though a lot of tears have been shed, a lot of smiles also came along the way.

i hoped that we can still be friends.

yes, it was hard at first. the yearning to be more than a friend, to give more than what is expected, to love more than i should. but if the only way to show him the love i still have is by being a friend, then let it be. bite my ego and swallow my pride.

we have gone our separate ways and have found ourselves along the way.

it has been years since then, and things have come full circle.we have long since settled in a comfortable friendship. how we can both share our thoughts and opinion to each other is what matters most now.

i got what i have hoped for.

more than anything else, i got my wish... and more...

i have found the happiness of being a friend to him...

take it from here

If you have been given the chance to change a particular moment in your life, which time (or times) would you rather change? go back and re-do everything once again... re-live the moment, only at a different situation? with different characters? or just reel it all in, destroy the memory and be reformatted to have a new clean slate?


These are my confessions.


Take back all the lies i have said, be it to hide the confused feelings i have, or otherwise.


Take back the time i rested my head on your shoulder, hooked my arm with yours, and held your hand like it's the only saving grace i have left.


Take back the time i lost myself and found my consciousness with you. only to find that you still want a lot of things, me not included.


Take back the couple of times i mistook "going out with you" as "me liking you".


Take back the night you said that you're in love. only to find out that its not me you're in love with.


Take back the time we met. and the situation and place where we met.


Take back all the hurt i felt when you finally decided to let me go. and the time i did finally let you go.


Take back the time i swallowed my pride and allowed you to be the master of our undefined relationship.


Take back the time i said good bye.


Take back the time i felt confused, thinking that there are a lot of things left to be discovered alone.


Take back the time i said yes as a result of a panicked and almost desperate need to have somebody to call my own.


Take back the moment i even considered the thought of trying out somebody else's feelings, see if it would fit, just like i was trying on a new pair of shoes.


Take back the time he hugged me one last time, and i was left speechless, but inside, screaming, "you are my first love, my best friend."


Take back the time i hooked up with my best friend's boyfriend. make it her "ex".


Take back the time we became fast friends.


Take back the time i hurt his feelings by saying that he is not the guy i want.


Take back the time i agreed to meet up with him, falling instantly, losing myself yet again.



Take it all back. Leave me with nothing. I am willing to let go of it all.
(from a confused mind of a girl constantly on the outside, always looking in...)

me and my toyshi

We never really had the best relationship.

Maybe it is because we have a hard time communicating. I am always trying my best to understand him. And i always blame his incessant desire to annoy me by being stubborn and providing me with endless whims, as well as the constant need for that extra care.

I try to go the extra mile by learning, almost embodying, what he is really made of... what ticks & tickles him. I even went as far as sacrificing the little time to myself just to be with him.

There are times that I want to smack him hard, full of frustration yet again because of the misunderstanding that we had had.

And the time he gave up on me, leaving me with this confused feeling, not knowing what went wrong, driving me to go to all ends just to bring him back. To make him whole again.

As always, I am at the losing end.

Rather... I am the first to succumb to him. To go further down the road just because I realized how much he means to me... and how much I needed him. to make things right for him, even with an extra cost.

...

... we never really had the best relationship, my laptop and i...

case no. 1. the creation

and so here i am. i have always wanted this. i have always contemplated on this. and now i can't resist the urge anymore.

i resolve to create this to satisfy my craving to write. to voice out whatever is boggling me. to express my innermost thoughts. and sometimes, just the creative things taking form in the recesses of my mind.

and for lack of anything better to do.

i take that back. not just because i dont have anything else to do.

maybe... i've created this to put a stop in the conversations going on in my head.